
The other morning I woke up and rolled over in my sleeping bag. Rob was already awake.
"I don't want diabetes today" I grumbled.
I bet he was expecting something more along the lines of "good morning", but he didn't seemed surprised in the least by my choice of first words for the day. Seeing as we live in a tiny tent, he was awake each of the 5 times during the night when I awoke to test my blood sugar.
Each time it's the same...
Diabetes wakes me up for one reason or another, high or low. I start rummaging around for my glucometer. Rob says "You okay?". I reply "Yep...just high" or "Yep...just low". Deal with it. Then we can both go back to sleep. Till the diabetes alarm goes off again.
I know I am very fortunate to even
have an internal diabetes alarm, as many people don't and just sleep through their highs and lows, but sometimes....ahhhhhhhhhhh, I wish it would just leave me alone. That particular night I was plagued by a high that just wouldn't go away, despite extra boluses and finally a shot, I was reduced to the final option...change the pump site.
So the other morning, when it was finally time to get up and start the day, I was just about done with diabetes.
Most of the time, I am totally, 100%, A-okay with the fact that I have diabetes. That's the way things are, I can't change it, so I deal with it. Diabetes is just another part of my day- brush my teeth, test my blood sugar, count carbs, change a bike tire, eat, exercise, pump it up, etc, etc.
Diabetes management becomes routine. But routine in a way that it is a constant fixture on your conscience. I am thinking about diabetes
all the time. I am constantly doing 'mental check-ins' with my body. "Body, how do you feel? Low? High? Shaky? Achy? Jittery? Heart racy? Head achy? Hungry? Cranky? Icky? Fine?". Every time I eat, move, walk, exercise, sit still, leave for somewhere, go to do something, wake up, go to bed...I take diabetes into account. Sometimes the result is doing math or dealing with blood tests or insulin administration, other times it is as simple as just checking in and then moving on.
Apparently, diabetes makes demands of my unconscious mind too, which must mean that even though I may think I am taking a break from diabetes during sleep, my brain never really stops checking in, hence the internal alarm.
Woe is me! When I get this frustrated, deflated, I-don't-want-to-play-this-game-anymore, rundown, burnt out feeling, I know that it is time to distract myself, do something active, and prove to myself that this can't hold me back or get me down. I just won't let it.
A little diabetes victory also helps...like a perfect 5.5 on the glucometer...but these are sometimes hard to come by.
So I sometimes find that reminding myself that it could be a lot worse helps....
How I am I SO LUCKY to have a disease that still lets me to do things like climb mountains, paddle rivers and lakes, run, sea kayak, surf, bike, do cartwheels, eat a field of strawberries (well, it did protest a little at that one!)...you get the point.
What can't I do with diabetes?And when I start to think like that, my competitive streak comes out...diabetes, you're goin' DOWN!
Diabetes has come awfully close, it throws some low blows now and then and has had me up in the corner, down one one knee, but I am still the reigning champion, and I plan on keeping it that way.